Monday, August 8, 2011

Can't Decide

♥ Here lately, Ive been thinking upon my upcoming future. Don't ask why, cause i don't even know why. The main part of my thinking is my education. I know that education gets you FAR in life, but what about those who haven't went to college & yet still have a wonder career? What about those who know exactly what they want to be in life? Yet I'm one of the few that still have exactly NO idea on what i want to pursue in my future. "What do you want to do after high school?" is the question i hear almost everyday. Yet my answer is always "i have no idea" making myself feel completely useless. I've accomplished a lot of things in life that some people can't. I carried a child my whole junior year of high school, yet still got great grades & actually completed high school like it was nothing. All my friends are going to college to be a doctor or a nurse or something in that matter. My mom always tried to talk me into nursing. But I'm absolutely TOO squeamish to even THINK about that field. I'm out of school now, so what should i do? I've completely hit a dead end. I want absolutely the BEST for my daughter. I want my little family's life to be soo much easier. I want to feel that great relief knowing that i will have a planned future that will make everything seem so much better. Will i ever have that feeling knowing that i still have NO idea want i want to do? People always ask that question "So what are you going to do now that you've graduated" & my answer being "i have no clue" they look at me like I'm the bad guy, like i haven't done enough & i just want to take a break. So many people today have NEVER seen what college is like & yet have a great career & still have time for life on the side. I want to experience college, but knowing that i have a life besides education, brings me down. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my life, but i just want to do something with my life that doesn't consist of me sitting at home, knowing that i can do something about it. My plans are to skip a year before starting college, (i have motivation to actually do it) but i just want some answers on what to go for. In the elementary days, we'd always have a career day to dress up & go to school looking like whatever we wanted to be whenever we grew up. I was always the outcast, as if i didn't want to be anything in the future. (Walking into school looking as if it was just a normal school day.) The truth is, i didn't know then, will i ever know? I've just been SO puzzled on how i want my life to turn out. Of course i want the easy way, but who doesn't. It's not like i know that college or whatever isn't going to be easy, but i want a challenge. Nobody can tell me what i want to do, but can somebody please help me out? There's SO many things that i love, like psychology, or marine biology, or something to do with the earth. But like i can really go to school for stuff like that? This is reality. I know my expectations & none of those fields are even CLOSE to what i can do. Oh Amanda, you can do anything if you set your mind to it. ... Yeah right. I've set my mind to too many things in my life, i try & try & try & i get absolutely nothing out of it. So how bout we come back to reality here. There's nothing better that knowing that you have a set career, or knowing that you can do what you know you can do. But what about those who know they can TRY & give 100% but never fully succeed? I'm still young; but time here lately, has just been flying by. Before you know it, Brooklyn will be in school & i'll still be sitting here at home, doing what i am now. And i don't want that. I want something better. Something that can change my life. Something like a job, or a full on career. Am i ever going to know what i truly want to do in life?

xoxo Amanda

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